Holding On To This Feeling

Holding On To This Feeling

I don't really even know why I write these. I think it's come down to it just being a very therapeutic way for me to get things out into the universe. As much as taking images allows me to express myself sometimes I feel like it can't fully express everything that's in my mind. The camera is just the vessel the thing that helps the thought become realized but sometimes the picture in my head is so complex and just too confusing that even my vessel can't figure out how to turn it into something.

Being an artist is hard like many things are in this life. I know there are harder things much much harder things like living in war torn countries. I'm not comparing photography to that not at all. I'm rather comparing it to how art effects the heart and the soul and how sometimes you feel like your art and your whole person aren't good enough. It's a constant back and fourth a push and pull. I call it my abusive relationship. I keep going back to it like it's some kind of addictive drug.

I might have written about it before how I'm trying to take pictures all the time. Pictures of my life and just instances when I feel that I should pick up my camera. That's what I have been doing lately. I have been working so tremendously hard on my project Secret Garden and trying to work out all the kinks of my business "Majical Photography" which is going to be expanding soon.

Ideas keep hitting me in the head like 1000 crazed birds flying at me. I try to take them all in because months ago I had not a single idea and now I have too many. It's true what they say when it comes it comes fast and all at once. It's never a balance. I'm trying to find a way to truly embrace the chaos because right now my mind is chaos. My brain is chaos.

But I'm really lucky. That's something I keep telling myself. I have some fantastic news for my series Secret Garden series just around the corner. The fact that I am actually doing Secret Garden is a miracle for me. I have a tendency to start things I have never finish and I'm changing that about myself this year. I'm planting the seeds for two new series this summer/autumn and for all of next year. I'm planting the seeds for a new direction with my business. All of this is good and it's that excitement that I try to hold on to.

Photography has given me some of the craziest highs and lows of my life. That never changes. What I'm trying to do is find a way to hold on to the positivity I feel because the negativity comes. The idea of shooting Secret Garden this weekend has me filled with excitement. I have some shoots lined up for this month and that makes me excited too. That's what I need to hold on to.

It's those quiet days that we let go of that excitement. The days where we aren't doing enough. When we have time to sit and think and let it all build up like a negativity soup. I want to avoid those days as much as I can.

So I've been taking pictures, I've been going for walks, I have been trying to feel life a bit more. My life is so consumed with taking pictures, building a business being a photographer sometimes I completely miss the big picture of what it's like to live. I have just been trying to merge what makes me happy with my art because they go hand in hand.

Next month I'll be 27 years old. I started taking photos (more seriously) when I was still a teen. Yeah I was 19 I guess that is sort of the end of the teen years. Still I was 19. Young and eager to learn. I was swallowed into the world of photography. Swallowed into dreams and nightmares. It was intense, it was freeing. It was the highest high that I have felt with photography. I often try to think about the girl running around the house with her camera. I wasn't even exposed to the online side of photography yet. I didn't even know there were people like me save for a few friends who were into photography. I had no clue that there were photographers sharing their work online, I had no clue that you could get published or have your pictures featured in magazines. I had no clue that being a photographer could be a job. All I knew was that I loved taking pictures. That is the feeling that I try to hold on to. Right before the whirlwind. Before I realized that my pictures actually sucked. Before I discovered other artists and online platforms like Flickr and Deviant art. Once you get to that point everything changes. A lot changes for the better but a little bit of the first time magic starts to slip through your fingers like sand.

The photos that I share in these little diaries are usually random pictures of life. Some are older pics that I just want to share and sometime they don't really have a place other then in my little visual diary. Everyday that passes I try to figure out where my place is in the world of photography. I don't really know. Maybe I'm already there. What I do know is I just try to take photos, I try now to take more meaningful pictures because I don't want anyone to impress. I just want to spend time with people and create magical worlds with them.

However there is a side to me that keeps it business- like trying to learn that world and trying my hardest to make my clients as happy as I am with the pictures. I'm beginning to think maybe it's not balance that I need maybe it's just learning to embrace the chaos and all sides of me. I like to create conceptual worlds, I like to take whimsical images of girls, I like to document my life and my family I like to take pictures of my clients and their little worlds. Maybe it's about embracing the fact that I like to shoot those things. Telling myself I am a portrait photographer. When I say that then I know there is no limit. There's no red line that I can't cross.

The discovery of life through my photos has been more touching to my heart then I thought. At first I just thought I needed to take pictures because it's winter and I'm antsy. Now I find myself looking through pictures of my beautiful niece from the summer and seeing how much she has grown. "A" and I took her ice skating the other day. I tried hard not to fall whilst holding my heavy ass Nikon D800! Watching her become a little girl is just amazing. She inspires me all the time with my photography in really strange and little ways that I keep to myself.

Category: diary - Masonry: tall-wide
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